Sunday, December 2, 2012

When You Lose Those You Love

I didn't get the chance to share this last week.  I don't know if it was because of shock, disbelief, or wanting to avoid the inevitable.  But there was a significant loss in my life.  She was an 11 year old girl in my neighborhood that just so happened to be one of my best friend's niece.  She had been sick for some time, but I guess it didn't sink in until I saw her just before her passing and the day of her services.

This little gem of a person was my friend.  Went spent many hours having great conversation and just enjoying the company of one another.  I've met many children and have a child of my own.  But there was something about her that was different.  She seemed so mature for her age and always had a smile on her face when I saw her.  I can close my eyes now and see her face.  She had big blues.  She was so beautiful.  I  just loved her to pieces.  I still do.

Last week, on Saturday morning, I got a phone call at 7 in the morning from my friend.  I knew when I saw her number appear on the screen that the time all of us hoped wouldn't come had.  My little friend had passed away.  Her battle with cancer had ended.  The lights had gone down and the little sparkle that was her had faded.  I took in the news and just sat there dumbfounded.

Just a few days before she had passed, I'd walked over to her house just to peek in to see how she was doing.  That day she was too weak for visitors, but I stood in the doorway talking to her mother just peering through the door at her.  A moment or so later, she opened her eyes turned her face in my direction and smiled at me.  It was the most precious thing because I knew how much pain she was in and how difficult it was to perform that small task.  As happy as I was to see those blue eyes again, I knew that would be the last time.

Dying and witnessing death is multifaceted.  Everybody grieves in different ways.  Here I was thinking that I was at peace with her passing because I didn't want to see her in pain anymore.  And before then there was the false hope that she would get better when it was clear that the hour was upon her.  The week leading up to her memorial I was convinced that I was okay.  I was "glad" that she was in heaven, smiling down and free from disease.  But a corner of me had been suppressing what I was really thinking.  Last night I unraveled completely and fell apart.

In my heart, I was angry.  The frustration over being helpless to a child in need had eaten away at me.  I wanted her to live because I knew what this angel had to offer this world that we live in.  I saw the little bits of life that she had left in her, and I just wanted her to try to hold on to it.  But then I came face to face with reality.  Cancer had devoured that life.  She just couldn't fight anymore.  There was nothing more she could give.

Then I began to think of how selfish I was.  Here she was at a crossroad of Heaven and Earth.  Silly me wanted her to come back to the physical realm and be here.  But I think that anybody who was at that point would choose the welcoming and peaceful realm of Heaven and its angels over the demented and sad existence that we call life.  Especially if that person had been arm wrestling a disease that had already taken so much from them.  How could I do such a thing by asking her frail body to cling to this world when she was going to be free from suffering, finally?

I'm not posting this because I'm looking for sympathy or anything like that.  I'm just venting because it's what seems natural.  Also, being that it is holiday time, I want to remind everyone to realize how precious life is.  Hug those you love and tell them that you love them.  Tomorrow isn't promised.  This life that we live is short.  In eternity, it may as well be nonexistent.  The point it is cherish those who cherish you.  Spread love.

Rest in peace my dear friend.  Hopefully one day I will be as lucky as you and walk in eternal peace.  In other words, I hope I go to Heaven to be with the Heaven Father too.  I miss you and I will never forget the love and happiness you brought to my life.  You were and always will be special and beautiful to me.

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